In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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