Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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