I'm eating all of the evidence.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
