he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
