Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
