Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
