John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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