Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
