I can't watch pbs sober anymore
they need to just BURY HIM!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
