You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
