Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
