Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
