You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
