we'll go far in life on tits alone.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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