My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
