thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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