Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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