Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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