I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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