If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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