Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
COCAINE IS GR8
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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