I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
