i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We need to get me chipped asap
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
