i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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