I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
