Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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