It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
