finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize