I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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