The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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