you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
