Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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