i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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