Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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