I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
