haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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