just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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