Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
