Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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