i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
