his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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