what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Michael Bay diarrhea
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize