I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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