The maid of honor just puked.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
