I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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