Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
literally had 100 drinks last night.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
