Where did you get a picture of my penis
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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