Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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