Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think your dad took our porno
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
