You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
operation harelip BJ is a go
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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