What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
