did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The beer is more important than you right now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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