WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
