I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
