I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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