I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
This house was built for laser tag.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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